My Life… My Thoughts

i am not an athlete.  but i think i am starting to get athlete’s foot.  eeww!  as i was coming home from church today clad in my stilletto boots, i started getting itchy feet.  i planned on scouring the mall after listening to the priest’s sermon, but due to the discomfort i was feeling, i readily decided to go home.

i immediately removed my boots upon hitting home and saw the redness on my toes.  "what the hell is this?" was my first thought.  so paranoid as i am, i immediately googled possible foot maladies.  and true enough, athlete’s foot was the most probable culprit.  according to medicinenet.com, the first symptom of athlete’s foot is an itchy burning sensation accompanied by redness.  crap!  that was exactly what i was feeling.  so without wasting much time, i stormed the drug store and picked up an anti-fungal cream and another anti-fungal liquid.  (i plan on applying the cream in the morning and the liquid at night.)  then i thought, how did i get it? 

after not much thought, it became clear to me.  when i was in the shower room of the gym i go to, i forgot my slippers and had to walk barefoot.  back then, i knew there was a risk of harboring unsafe microorganisms.  but then i thought to myself, what the heck!  life is all about risks.  a little dose of germs here and there wouldn’t hurt.  true, it wouldn’t.  but i discounted the fact that i was going home in my closed shoes and i am going to be wearing closed shoes day in and day out.  i was also very careless about not washing my foot when i got home.  i was thinking, i already showered at the gym so i am virtually clean. buzz…wrong again.   

oh well, now that the fungus is starting camp on my foot, i better act fast and hand over the eviction notice.  but still i cannot get over the idea of how someone like me who is bordering upon being obsessive compulsive get athlete’s foot. Carelessness, that’s what it is. and of course, shit happens. 

Lintik! May pinuntahan akong tindahan kanina tapos ang sungit nung instik na may-ari.  Naglaba kasi ako tapos naisip kong mag-ikot muna para pampatanggal ng antok.  Napadaan ako sa tindahan nya dahil sa lahat ng tindahan sa lugar na iyon sila lang ang bukas.  Maliit lang yung tindahan nya at masikip pa pero puro mumurahin ang benta.  Natuwa ako dahil may maliliit na nakakatuwang bagay na 99 cents lang. 

Habang pumipili ako ng plastik na food keeper, padaan-daan sya sa tabi ko.  Hindi ko naman pinansin dahil akala ko nag-aayos lang sya ng paninda.  Nung babayaran ko na yung pinamili ko, may sinasabi sya sa kasama nyang instik na sa tingin ko’y tungkol sa akin.  Nung binigay na nya yung sukli ko, sabi nya sakin: "too long shopping."  Nainis ako.  Sa isip ko, "anong problema mo dun?"  Kaya nung palabas na ako, sabi ko sa kanya:  "kung ayaw mong pumasok at tumingin-tingin yung mga tao dito, magsara ka na!"  Nanlaki yung singkit nyang mata at nagtataka kung anong sinabi ko.  Tinaasan ko sya ng kilay habang ako’y palabas na sa kanyang munting tindahan. 

Maybe you didn’t really care about me the way I thought you did.  Maybe I was expecting too much more;

Maybe everything we ever had was all but an illusion…a world I’ve created for myself to fulfill my romantic fantasies;

Maybe we are better off with other people.  Perhaps all my heartaches will end with you;

Maybe we aren’t really meant for each other.  Thus, maybe time has come for me to finally let you go.

It has now been my second straight week of eating lots and lots of chocolates.  Not a day would go by without me munching on those scrumptuous temptations.  I am particularly hooked on See’s Candies brittles and their awesome walnut bar.  I love chocolates!  But whoever invented them ought to be punished for making them so good it is sooo difficult to resist.

This is bad.  I talked to a friend I haven’t been in contact with for quite some time now and she told me I looked fat in my recent photo.  You see, my company had this photoshoot where we dressed up as pirates and I sent her the postcard together with the Christmas card.  When she called me, that was her first comment.  Crap! Blame it on the chocolates. When I like some type of food I eat it and eat it until I get so sick of it.  I was just getting over my mochi ice cream addiction when i got those chocolates.  What a killer!

Not eating chocolates for a year should be one of my resolutions…….But chocolate-flavored stuff can be an exception.

It’s 4:45am on a saturday morning, and I can’t go back to bed.  Somehow the cold woke me up from my slumber and made me go to the bathroom.  Suddenly, all the stresses of the previous day caught up on me. 

I have this feeling that my being nice and obedient has caused me to be abused.  Is it also because I am too docile?  Do I need to more assertive?  How do I become assertive without coming out as a rebel?  Better yet, how do I get assertive without getting myself fired?

I am almost at my 2nd year working with my present company and not once did I complain from all the stresses I get from this job.  And heck, it is not even a thinking job.  It is a very menial one that even a high school graduate can do. No pun intended.

But it pays the bills.  That’s the main reason why I try as much as possible to swallow my pride and put up with all the crap I’m getting.  The irony of it all is that I racked up a lot of bills all because I wanted to make myself comfortable.  Somehow shopping and having nice things have become a catharsis to all the stresses I get from work.  A vicious cycle, it is. 

Oh, it’s almost 5 am and I’m getting hungry.  Now I have a choice between going back to bed and eating.  I choose to sleep.  Getting fat is another predicament I don’t want to be in. 

I hate you.  I hate you because no matter how much you hurt me, you still have this undeniable place in my heart.  I hate you for leaving me.  I hate you for loving me.  I hate you for showing you care.  I hate you for making me hope. 

I hate you because I love you and I couldn’t hate you.

I am still stuck with my feet obsession.  Yesterday, as I was sitting on my bed, I felt like my toenails were too dirty so I went to get a pedicure.

Eversince I came to America, I stopped having regular pedicures (which I normally get every two weeks back in PI), because I keep on converting the money I spend into its peso value and I end up getting overwhelmed about how much money I’m throwing away. 

Back in PI, I normally spend PHP 60.000 (equivalent to USD 1.20) for a manicure and a pedicure.  Out here, a decent mani and pedi is a little over USD 35.000 which in Philippine money converts to PHP 1750.00.  A hundred pesos can feed a person 3 decent meals in a day. 
So if I look at it that way, the money I spend on pedicures can literally feed around 17 people with 3 decent meals.  In fact, I can go to the slums in manila
and have a banquet! 

But then, vanity cannot be compromised.


Though I try to be as selfless as I can and live with my Christian values, I am still human.  Thus, I am vain.   

I have very small feet.  As I was searching for a nice pair of dress shoes last Sunday, I just realized how "exceptional"  my size is.  I am a size 5 and at times I can even fit a 4.5.  Because of my petite frame, I don’t consider it a rarity.  But then, I’ve met people who are as big as me or perhaps even smaller than me but have shoe sizes bigger than mine.  I have been turned down a couple of times since the smallest size in most of the stores is 5.5.  A 5.5 would have been okay if it was a sneaker, a tennis shoe or anything that is closed.  But for an open-toed sandal, that just wouldn’t do it.  I am mainly looking for a shoe that is comfortable, presentable and sexy.  One that would make me feel like a woman…yeah, the real kind.  Oftentimes, I manage to get away with those pointy pumps with stiletto heels.  It makes my feet look longer.  But then, I’ve got Morton’s toe, so wearing this kind of shoe is a little too uncomfortable for me.  Hence, I am left with the "unsexy" ones. 

I am also having a hard time finding the perfect running shoes.  I have this trusty cross-trainer who have been with me for almost a year now but I feel that it is nearing retirement.  One time while I was running on the treadmill, I felt like I was close to being barefoot because the soles of my cross-trainer didn’t provide enough cushion for my small feet.  At one point, I almost tripped.  Thank God for sidebars.

I am glad that the cold season is here.  Now I can wear my boots.  You see, the boot is the only shoe that satisfies my requirements for a girly, comfortable shoe.   With the boot, I can pick out a size that is an inch larger than my regular size and not look like I’m wearing mommy’s shoes. It can be sexy and functional at the same time.  Now I guess my main problem is finding the perfect pair of boots.

For even I, have a hard time walking in my shoes.

I got my warm serving of chicken soup as I was walking towards my workplace this morning.   A homeless guy was sitting along a corner of a sidewalk.  The moment I saw him, I was hesitant to walk across his area for fear that he might be out of his mind and do something to me.  (Because of everything that I hear on the news everyday, it’s a little difficult for me to trust people especially when their appearances say otherwise.)  But still, I figured, what can he do to me?  I might not be that strong but I can run as fast as speedy gonzalez.  So, I walked towards his direction.  He looked at me.  Not knowing how else to react, I smiled.   He said "thank you."  I then put on a quizzical look:  "thank me? for what?"  He goes:  "Thank you for your smile.  It made my day!"

My heart was crushed.  Here I was thinking that he was some looney, trashy…a bad person.  Inasmuch as my smile made his day, his "thank you"  made my day as well.

My life is slowly coming together.  Somehow, I am now able to cross out the goals that I’ve set for the year.  Last year I was able to accomplish my BHAGs (Big Hairy Audacious Goals - Built to Last) and this year I am slowly carrying out another set.  God forbid I do not fail or blunder.

But for every triumph there is always tribulation.  This time, like any other time, it involves matters of the heart.  I gained but about to lose the one I love.  Why can’t I have it all?  This is my eternal question.

Oh well, the night is young and so are we….;-)