My Life… My Thoughts

It seems that everywhere I go, there is so much frenzy about halloween.  But what is this celebration anyway?  What is the hoopla all about? 

As a kid, I have never celebrated halloween the same way it is celebrated here in America.  Raised in a devout Catholic family living in a remote suburban, predominantly Muslim island in the Philippines, halloween celebrations were not given much attention in my household.  I only see it on TV, in the movies, in magazines and in books.  The day after halloween, All Saints’ Day, was more important to my parents than halloween.  On the 31st of October, I am usually told to go to bed early so I can get up early the next day in time for church and cemetery visits to our dead relatives. 

As I searched for the history of halloween, this was what I found: http://www.theholidayspot.com/halloween/history.htm……. So indeed, in the old days, halloween is celebrated to honor the dead, which is not far from the celebration I know of as a kid.  I guess that living in a remote area makes one behave old-fashionedly, almost "amish-like."

It was only during my college years when I moved out of my parents’ house and into the big city when a different concept of halloween was introduced. It was all about dressing up, partying and getting drunk.  I guess halloween for adults at this day and age is freedom, or in my native tongue, Kalayaan.  It is about dressing up the way you have always wanted but never had the guts to (i.e. playboy bunny costume), getting drunk,  letting loose and getting crazy on the dance floor.  At the back of your mind, you would think that you wouldn’t embarass yourself as you are protected by the "armor" (better known as costume) you are wearing.

During my younger years (mmm…17-27…gosh! I’m old), I enjoyed halloween Kalayaan immensely.  Though I never really got to dress up in the playboy bunny outfit, I had my own share of partying and all-night dancing.  But now that I’m getting older, these things don’t amuse me anymore.  I guess that the Kalayaan that halloween offers has lost its luster.  So now I guess I’m back to my amish ways…

I am feeling all bottled up right now.  Somehow I feel like I need some peace and quiet away from all my worries, and the hurly burly things of this life.  It has been quite a roller coaster ride for me this year.  Looking back, I could only reflect on the many changes that have happened to me in 2005:

January to March - I was still at Marigold then.  We were very busy getting our HACCP certificate revalidated and we luckily managed to have it revalidated for the next 6 months.

End of March - I tendered my resignation, effective first week of April.  It was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever made in my life.  There I was, with a rewarding career amongst people that I love and yet I want more.  There were two major reasons why I wanted to leave; (1) I wanted to find out if I can build a career in a foreign land, and (2) I wanted to find out if I had a future with someone I cared about.  I resigned from Marigold if only to satisfy the "what ifs" and not grow old without discovering it for myself.  My leaving spurred a series of goodbyes from my co-workers, friends, family and all the people that I love.  It gave me a heartache and a bucket of tears.

First week of April - I arrived in San Francisco, all too excited on what lay ahead.  Though I have already spoken with a few recruitment agencies while I was in PI, I discovered that talking face-to-face is different.  Some people don’t really give you the whole picture.  I had to contend with what was there.  Even if I have travelled to California back and forth since 2002, this trip was somehow different since I knew that there is no turning back.  Lucky or unlucky, I have to stand by my own decision and live through it.

First Day of May - I got a job in a rug company as an assistant.  I never really liked it, but I knew I needed it to survive.  The pay was terrible, and I was even starting to spend my own money.  I felt like I wasn’t earning at all.  However, this job introduced me to a different kind of world….that of the arts.  I was never an artsy person.  I have always been exposed to technical stuff, things that are seen in black and white.  The abstract wasn’t too appealing to me.  But at that point, I thought that was what I needed…..a break away from the things that are familiar, a space away from my comfort zone.  One good thing about this job  was that it allowed me to meet a few interesting personalities and genuinely nice people.  In the end of my one month tryst, my manager and I  decided that I wasn’t cut out for it, and so I quit.  At this time too, I was already starting to find work in my own line of profession.  Luckily, I got accepted by two companies, but opted to take the one which offered the best pay.  The lower paying job was a Filipino company and the higher paying one  an American company.  I somehow felt a little guilty.  I should’ve supported my own ethnic group.  But at this point, my funds were running low and I had to earn big time to pay for my legal fees.

June - I moved from San Francisco to Los Angeles all by myself.  I drove 7 hours on the intersate 5, fighting bouts of sleepiness, occasional heartaches and cowardice.  There were two major reasons for this move: (1) I got a better job offer and a possibly rewarding career and (2)  I parted ways with someone I cared about.  It was very tiring both physically and emotionally but I managed to survive.  I also started working with a pizza company.  The job looks promising since I had to do the things that I’m really good at.  However, it is a small company and so technical improvements are limited.  I started to miss Marigold.

July- I started developing a HACCP plan for my new company.  I also started to get familiar with doing clerical stuff which I never really did while I was back home.  I was introduced to Peachtree, microsoft access and all other software that clerks usually use.  Since the clerical job was something new to me, i decided to focus my attention on it and put the HACCP plan on the side.   To not feel lonely and to socialize, I decided to join a kickball league in my area. I signed up online and got accepted by the best team on the whole wide world, the pregnant cheerleaders.  On a personal note, I also started dating. 

August - I was able to draft my company’s SSOP and the HACCP is slowly getting underway.  A meeting was called between me, the owner and the key  personnel in the production side to discuss the implementation.  Before the month ended, the SSOP was implemented.  I had to do all the inspections though.  Unlike in the Philippines where I just have to draft the plans and give orders, out here I had to do everything by myself.  I was proud of myself though.  I feel like I am running a one-man show and have become so well-rounded.  On a personal side, I was slowly falling for someone.

September - The HACCP plan finally came through and got implemented.  I made a major clerical mistake at work but was forgiven.  At this point, things had started to take a slow pace and loneliness started to kick in.  My relationship with the guy I was dating also started to deteriorate.  To top it all, I also learned of a few sad events taking place back home which made me feel bad that I wasn’t there. 

October (my present) - I joined a fitness club to help me deal with my loneliness.  I am currently experiencing small bouts of depression which might have also been brought about by the changing season.  I try not to dwell on it though and focus on the lighter side of things. 

Whew! How time flies.  I never realized that so much has happened since I got here.  As I am feeling a little lonely now, I sit back and reflect about the things that have happened to me in the past.  If I have survived all those challenges, there is no reason for me to survive this one now.  It is just a phase and this too shall pass….

I was just reading through my friend Alma’s blog when I again felt so homesick.  She was blogging about the get together she had with our friends Cherryl, Karen, and Karen’s sister Donique.  A small part of me wished I was there.  These gatherings are always a lot of fun.  I crave for their company.  Being friends with them since our elementary days, I feel like they are the ones who really know me.  They can be brutally honest with their comments, but their honesty is one of the most important reasons why our friendship works.  Each one of us have different personalities.  Somehow, we seem to find a common ground.  We don’t usually have the same views when it comes to politics, religion and affairs of the heart but we coexist in each one’s uniqueness. 

Although the major reason why I felt so down and homesick today was because I was all alone at the place where I’m staying and I couldn’t get anyone to go with me to the movies.  I don’t want to impose on people, especially with people that I really haven’t known that long.  I guess I just missed the company I used to have back home.  I miss hanging out with them and how we can just talk endlessly about love, life, sex and politics and never get bored.  Right now, I haven’t found that kind of connection with someone.  I have already met a few friends and I hope to find that same connection sometime.  This reminds me of a girl scout song which goes:

"Make new friends, but keep the old.  One is silver and the other gold."

I have just formally enrolled at Bally Total fitness yesterday.    I have been through a lot of "sad" emotions lately, that I figured that having another regular physical activity would help in alleviating my moods.  This would be my first time to enrol in a fitness club.  Though it could mean another crunch in my financial status, I am doing this if only to make me feel better, if only to help me survive. When I was back home, me and my roommate  used to go to the gym at the condo we were staying at.  There was no formal training, and I wasn’t even sure if I was doing the exercises right.  I also did aerobics, but it was done at our workplace with my officemates.  We just hired an instructor to teach us.  I used to jog at the park when I first got here, but since fall is here, the cold weather is keeping me from doing it.   With the aforementioned reasons, I have decided to enroll at the club.

During my first session at Ballys, a fitness instructor helped me out with my fitness program, just so I will know how to exercise properly.  I was quite satisfied with my instructor, but I wished he could’ve explained it more scientifically.  Lately, I have also been attending aerobics and yoga classes.  The classes are fun….I found it more interesting than the workouts.  There are those that are boring though and those which do not provide a smooth flow of routines.  I have already been to a couple of classes and now I already know which classes are worth attending and which are not. 

I don’t really know how long I can remain dedicated to this regime.  Sometimes this is what’s wrong with me.  I start out all enthusiastic but inconsistent.  But with all the benefits that exercise can bring, I promised myself to be more dedicated on this one.

So there, I better get serious with these workouts and get those endorphins going!